


By My Side

by grantaire_the_cynic



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Brain Surgery, Sickfic, Surgery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 16:22:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4144482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grantaire_the_cynic/pseuds/grantaire_the_cynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started with a migraine. </p><p>Grantaire was working on a large mural when Courfeyrac called him. </p><p>“Hey Courf, what’s happening?”</p><p>“Hi, R, look, Enjolras isn’t feeling well, he’s got a migraine so bad he can barely see. Can you come take him home?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It started with a migraine. 

Grantaire was working on a large mural when Courfeyrac called him. 

“Hey Courf, what’s happening?”

“Hi, R, look, Enjolras isn’t feeling well, he’s got a migraine so bad he can barely see. Can you come take him home?”

“Yeah, on my way.” 

Grantaire cleaned up his supplies and found the owner of the pub, explaining the situation.

Enjolras looked terrible. He was pale and had a towel over his eyes. Grantaire quietly walked in and gently lifted him up.

“I can walk.” he mumbled, grimacing. Grantaire kissed his forehead. 

“I’ve had my fair share of migraines, I know how hard walking can be. Just enjoy the ride. Courf, do you guys have any ice packs?”

Bahorel beat Courfeyrac to the first aid kit and handed him one, along with a towel. “We’re out of pain killers. I told Courf last week we need to restock this thing.” Grantaire saw Courfeyrac add that to his to-do list out of the corner of his eye. 

Grantaire eased him into the car and pressed the ice pack to his eyes. “Here, I put a towel between your head and the door. Try to sleep till we get home.”

Enjolras was down for the count for most of the evening, stumbling out of the bedroom about nine o’clock. Grantaire pulled him into a hug.

Over the next couple months he had a few more migraines. Grantaire urged him to go to the doctor, but Enjolras waived him off. He could handle a few bad headaches. 

 

It started with a migraine, but progressed to seizures. Enjolras was napping in his chair when the first one happened. Grantaire hardly noticed anything at first, but when Enjolras did not wake right away, he panicked and was halfway done dialing Joly’s number when Enjolras woke up. He was cranky for most of the evening, but Grantaire did as he asked and didn’t call Joly. 

The second time, Enjolras was in the car with Grantaire. Again, he asked Grantaire not to call anyone.

“I’m fine!” he insisted. 

“Like hell you are!”

Against his better judgement, Grantaire let it go, promising not to if it happened again.

Enjolras was at work the third time. He suddenly collapsed and began convulsing. Grantaire got another phone call from Courfeyrac. This time Grantaire called Joly and they went to the office together. Enjolras was sitting up and talking grumpily when they arrived. 

“I’m FINE!” he snapped as Courfeyrac dabbed at a small cut on his forehead. 

“I’d feel better if you went to the doctor, Enjolras.” Courfeyrac said softly. Enjolras rolled his eyes. 

“What happened?” Grantaire and Joly asked at the same time when they arrived. 

“I don’t know, one moment Enjolras was at the water cooler, the next he was on the ground.”

“How was he before hand? Headaches? Auras? Anything?” Joly asked, moving closer to check Enjolras over. “Is this the first time this has happened?”

Enjolras shook his head at the same time that Grantaire nodded. Joly looked unamused. 

“You really should go to the doctor, Enjolras.” Joly said, once he’d confirmed that there was no immediate danger. “You’ve been having problems with migraines, and now this. You need to get it checked out.”

Enjolras glared, but agreed. Grantaire drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as they headed towards the hospital. 

“We could just go home, R.” Enjolras said. 

“No, you need to get this looked at. We should have the first time.” Grantaire paused, taking a deep breath. “And I’m sure you’re probably nervous, hell I’m scared to death. But putting it off won’t help anything.”

Enjolras nodded, staring out the passenger window.

Grantaire sat in the waiting room, his foot tapping rapidly. They were running all kinds of tests and it was taking forever. He jumped when his phone rang, stepping out to answer.

“Hi, Ferre, no I haven’t heard anything yet. They’re doing a scan now.” Grantaire tried to keep his voice neutral. 

“R, it’s okay, it’s probably nothing. Epilepsy can happen suddenly. You know how he contains stress. He wouldn’t be the first.”

“I know. I know.” Grantaire said softly. 

Enjolras came out about forty five minutes later and he and Grantaire went to Enjolras’ doctor again. Grantaire laced their fingers together as they waited. 

“Ferre says you’re too stressed out.” he laughed softly. Enjolras cracked a smile.

“I’d hardly say I’m stressed. It’s been a pretty easy couple months.”

Grantaire didn’t have time to respond as the nurse called them back.

“We looked at the scans and for the most part, they were okay. We did find a small mass near your brain stem.”

Enjolras and Grantaire tensed. 

“However, it looks like a calcium deposit or possibly a cyst. It’s probably been there most or all of your life. Your recent symptoms are due to some possible shifting or fluid leakage. Now, we’re going to keep an eye on it. Due to the location, I don’t want to go after it unless absolutely necessary. We’ll watch it and if your symptoms worsen or if we see any visual changes, we’ll talk about treatment options. For now, we’re going to get you started on medication. I want you to come back in four weeks so we can check your medication levels and so we can do some more testing. I want to make sure we have pinpointed the cause of your seizures so we can treat them effectively.”

Enjolras nodded, taking a deep breath. “And the migraines?”

“They should happen less. I’m prescribing something for the headaches, as well as your seizure medication.”

In the car, Grantaire let out the breath he was holding. 

“So it’s not something serious.” he said softly.

“I told you.” Enjolras said, sounding short. He was not taking the three month driving ban well.

“Enj, you hardly drive anyway- you can take public transit anywhere you want. It’s not like you have to rely on anyone to get around.”

“It’s the principle, the fact that I can’t drive even if I want to.”

“I know, Enj. I know. But it’s just three months. We’ll make it.”

Enjolras just nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year had passed and life had pretty much returned to normal. Enjolras found that the three month driving restriction wasn’t as bad as he thought (though he’d never admit it). Grantaire was right, he could get anywhere he needed on his own. Adjusting to the medication took a couple months.

A year had passed and life had pretty much returned to normal. Enjolras found that the three month driving restriction wasn’t as bad as he thought (though he’d never admit it). Grantaire was right, he could get anywhere he needed on his own. Adjusting to the medication took a couple months. The doctor had him come in several times until they got the levels adjusted correctly. From there, life continued as normal. Once in awhile Enjolras had a bad day and the headache medicine made it sort of bearable. He spent those days in bed, Grantaire fussing over him and their cat curling up against Enjolras’ chest and purring loudly.

“So how are you doing, Enj? It’s been, what, a year since your little episode at work?” Joly asked. 

“I’m fine. Haven’t had a serious headache in a couple months, nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Good to hear, so are we going to get this meeting underway? Bossuet and I are taking Chetta out and we don't want to keep her waiting.” 

Enjolras nodded and stood up, getting their meeting started, barely pausing when Marius stumbled in late. 

Later that evening, Grantaire stretched out on the couch, making grabby hands for Enjolras. 

“Come on, we’ve been busy all day- it’s time for cuddles and Monty Python.” 

Enjolras laughed and curled up in Grantaire’s arms, grabbing the remote and hitting play. 

“How was work?” Grantaire asked.

“It was pretty mundane, actually. Going through paperwork, trying to scan all the old files. We’re working on going…..” he paused, frowning.

“You okay?”

“I…. I just had a brain cramp. Couldn’t find the word I wanted. Long day. Anyway, we’re working on going…..paperless. Paperless.” he said after pausing and thinking.

“You need to sleep more and rely on coffee less.” Grantaire said, laughing. Enjolras nudged him.

A month later, Grantaire was working on a painting for the local community center when Courfeyrac knocked on the door. 

“Courf! What brings you here, especially during work hours. Enj will filet you if he finds out you’re not working.”

“I’m on lunch, and it’s Enj I want to talk to you about.” Courf sat down on the couch. Grantaire cleaned up and joined him.

“Is he sleeping? Because the last few days, okay more like a month, he’s been pretty forgetful. He’s having trouble completing his thoughts, he’s losing things, forgetting what he’s doing. It’s starting to worry me.”

“I mean, he’s sleeping about how much he normally does. Probably not enough, but not less than normal.”

Courfeyrac nodded. “Thanks, R.” he stood up, getting ready to leave. “I hate to ask, but can you make sure he sleeps more? Or something? I'm worried about him. The last thing I want is for him to make himself sick or have problems working.”

“I’ll do my best.” He clapped Courfeyrac on the shoulder as he left. 

Grantaire was dozing on the couch when Enjolras got home, about thirty minutes late. He leaned over and kissed Grantaire’s forehead. 

“Enj, you made it. What was the hold up?” Grantaire said, blinking awake.

“I missed my train stop. Had to get off and catch the next one back.”

Grantaire frowned. “Are you sleeping enough?”

“What?” Enjolras sat down.

“You’ve just been, forgetful recently.” he paused, “I want to make sure you’re okay. I think we should call the doctor. See if we can get in early.”

“You’re overreacting, R, I just haven’t been sleeping well. No need to go in a week early. We’ve been busy recently, it’ll be fine once we finish this project.”

A week later, Grantaire was relaying everything he and Courfeyrac had talked about (minus the fact that Courfeyrac told him). The doctor nodded, listening carefully.

“It sounds like you need more sleep, Enjolras. Given that everything else seems normal, we’ll postpone the scans until next time. You’ve been clear in every visit so far and there’s no increase in headaches. You’ll need to save an afternoon for your next appointment. Plan on at least two hours.”

They nodded and headed home. That evening, Grantaire shut the TV off at ten. 

“Alright, Enjolras, you need eight hours, so it’s bedtime. I also locked up your laptop and I’m taking your phone. You need your rest.” 

Enjolras sighed, but agreed, climbing into bed. Grantaire curled around him.

Their new routine became habit quickly, and Grantaire expected an improvement. Instead, however, Enjolras was as absent minded as ever- if not more. And he was getting irritable. Being forgetful was frustrating and Enjolras was lashing out more and more. 

Grantaire was often on the receiving end of it. He flinched when Enjolras snapped at him, but he also looked at him, worried. It progressed to dizziness and loss of balance.

They were cleaning their apartment. Enjolras was dusting and Grantaire was sorting laundry. Enjolras leaned over to get the bottom shelf of the table when he tumbled to the floor. Grantaire looked up, startled.

"Enj, are you okay?"

Enjolras looked up, embarrassed. “Yeah, just lost my balance.” He pulled himself up.

“You sure you’re okay?” he reached out to help Enjolras up.

“I’m fine, Grantaire, back off.” Enjolras batted his hand away and pulled himself up, wobbling a bit. Grantaire sighed, looking worried. 

There were several more stumbles over the next couple weeks. Grantaire was getting more and more worried. He confided in Joly, who urged him to call the doctor. Grantaire tried to get Enjolras to call the doctor, but he shrugged him off. 

“Enjolras, I’m getting worried.” Grantaire said one evening. Enjolras had been stumbling a bit that evening and it looked like he was dragging his left foot a bit. “You haven’t been walking right, you’re still getting dizzy, having problems balancing, and you’re still forgetful. We need to call the doctor.” he tried to keep his voice calm, but he had been containing his worry for a few weeks now and it was starting to wear on him. 

“Fine, we’ll call the doctor tomorrow.” Enjolras said, not looking up at him. “If it will make you happy, we’ll call the doctor.” He didn’t talk to Grantaire that evening and went to bed early.

Enjolras made good on his promise,however, and called the next morning. He slammed the phone down in frustration.

“What’s wrong, Enj?”

“They can’t get me for three weeks. I tried to explain the situation and that it’s probably important, but they blew me off.” 

Grantaire found it interesting that suddenly Enjolras wanted to go in. He picked up the phone and called back. Fifteen minutes and quite a bit of shouting later, they were still forced to wait three weeks. 

“Fucking bitch said “Go to the ER if it’s so bad.” Like, what’s the point of having a doctor if you can never get in?!”

“R, calm down. Three weeks isn’t that long. I’ll be careful. I won’t drive, I’ll try not to go to many places alone. Just three weeks.”

Grantaire nodded, taking a deep breath. He kissed Enjolras’ forehead. 

“At least you’re not in denial anymore.” he joked. Enjolras playfully swatted at his arm.

Grantaire sat with Joly and Bossuet at the next meeting. Combeferre was leading this one, Enjolras’ lapses in memory and word retrieval were increasing. Grantaire also noticed that the left side of his face looked slightly droopy. 

“I swear we need a new doctor. They know he has a thing in his head, but still insist that three weeks is no problem. Fucking assholes.”

“Calm down, R.” Joly soothed, sliding him another water. Grantaire had stopped drinking completely when Enjolras started his medication. “You can call any doctor you want. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, get a new one.”

“Enj doesn’t want to. I think he’s just putting off the tests.” Grantaire looked over at his boyfriend. 

“I’m sure he’s as scared as you are, most likely more.” Bossuet said. Grantaire nodded.

“I’m still going to make some phone calls, I think.” Grantaire said, nodding decidedly. 

“In that case, let me give you a name.” Joly pulled out his phone and wrote down a name and number. “He’s the head of the neurology department at my hospital. He’s fantastic- seriously, he’s written textbooks and is well traveled. He’s one of the best. Give him a call.”

Grantaire nodded. “Thank you, Joly. For everything.” He refrained from asking what Joly thought was wrong. He’d already scared himself shitless googling Enjolras’ symptoms. 

“I talked to another doctor.” Grantaire said, a week later. “Joly gave me the name of someone he works with. He said he’s one of the best in the country.”

Enjolras considered this. “What did he say?”

“He said we could get in this week or next.”

“Let’s go after my appointment with my doctor. We’ll let him know that we’re leaving.”

Grantaire was hoping that Enjolras would try to get in sooner, but nodded. It was a step in the right direction. And what was one more week?

One more week turned into more forgetfulness, dizziness, and headaches. He ended up taking a couple days off work before the appointment. 

“Based on your symptoms, it sounds like fluid build up. We can take care of that by inserting a shunt to drain the fluid from your brain.”

Enjolras nodded. “We’ve decided to seek another opinion, could you send all of my records to this doctor?” he handed the information to his doctor. 

“Of course, Enjolras." he tucked the information in his clipboard.

In the car, Grantaire tried to relax. It didn’t sound too serious. But the doctor also didn’t order any scans.

“He should have done a scan. They haven’t checked that cyst in like, ten months now? What’s his deal?”

“I’m sure they’ll do that tomorrow. Try not to worry, R.” he leaned over and kissed him lightly.

Enjolras rested his head in his hands, sitting on Courfeyrac’s couch. Both Courfeyrac and Combeferre were sitting with him.

“What if it’s not just fluid? What if it’s something more serious? I mean, I can hardly use my left hand, I forget things all the time, I can’t keep my balance.” he rubbed his face. 

Courfeyrac squeezed his hand. “We’ll be here for you.” Combeferre nodded in agreement.

“But what if it’s serious? What if it’s cancer? It’s on my brain stem- they can’t just remove it.”

“If it’s that serious, we’ll deal with it. Treatments have come a long way. The doctor you’re seeing tomorrow is very good. Don’t assume it’s hopeless, Enjolras.”

“I’m trying, but....” he trailed off, searching for the words he wanted.

“But it’s scary to not know. Especially for you since you’re actually experiencing it.” Courfeyrac said.

Enjolras nodded. “And I keep thinking about how hard this all has to be on R. He’s not showing it much, but I know he’s scared. What do you do when your boyfriend could potentially be...... like this?”

Courfeyrac pulled him into a hug. “Talk to him. He doesn’t want to worry you.” Both men hugged him tightly for a minute or two. 

“I’ll talk to him.” Enjolras said softly, standing up. He grabbed Courfeyrac’s shoulder for support. Combeferre stood up and helped Enjolras. He helped him into his shoes and to the door, Courfeyrac following them. 

“Thank you.” Enjolras said, pulling out his transit card.

“No, I’ll drive you. I need to head home anyway. I have an early shift in the maternity ward.” Combeferre said. 

Enjolras opened the door of his apartment and found Grantaire laying on the couch, reading something on his tablet.

“What are you reading?” he asked slowly, making sure he wasn’t slurring his words.

“Reading about the doctor we’re seeing tomorrow.”

Enjolras sat down next to him. He wrapped his arms around Grantaire tightly and buried his face into Grantaire’s neck. 

“Can we talk?” he asked softly.

“Of course, Enjolras.” Grantaire ran his hand through Enjolras’ hair. “I was hoping you would ask. I know you don’t like to ask for help and I know you don’t like to show weakness or fear. Hence the fearless leader nickname. But you can’t bottle it all up, Enj.”

Enjolras nodded, but was silent for a couple minutes. “What if this isn’t just fluid? What if it’s more serious? What do I do?”

“You face it head on like any other problem. You seek treatment and show what ever it is who’s boss.”

Enjolras smiled into Gratnaire’s neck. “You have a lot of faith in me.” he paused again. “What if it’s more serious than that? What if they can’t do anything?”

Grantaire froze. Enjolras had voiced his strongest fear. He tried to find an answer. “I don’t know, Enj. That’s what scares me.” he said softly.

Enjolras pulled back and looked at Grantaire, cupping his cheek. 

“I just want to know that you’ll be okay.”

“I can’t answer that now, Enjolras. Right now I’m telling myself, and you, that it’s not going to be that bad. That they’ll take care of you.”

Enjolras nodded. “That’s what I’m telling myself too.”

Grantaire hugged him tightly. “It’s going to be fine.” he said. 

 

Grantaire yawned as Enjolras filled out paperwork. Neither of them had slept the previous night. They’d tried, but eventually gave up in favor of cuddling on the couch and watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

“Enjolras?” the nurse called out. Both men followed the nurse into the exam room. She took his vitals and told them the doctor would be in soon. 

Grantaire found himself alone in a waiting room again. Enjolras was going through the whole battery of tests again. Grantaire tried to keep his hands from shaking, but he was too nervous. He pulled out his phone and sent off a quick text. 

[text: Joly] Help.

[text: R] what’s up?

[text: Joly] alone in the waiting room. 

[text: R] I’m working :( I texted Bossuet, he’s on his way.

Grantaire sighed in relief. He should have asked Bossuet yesterday to go with them. Bossuet burst into the waiting room about ten minutes later, tripped over an older woman, and skidded to a stop at Grantaire’s feet. He apologized quickly.

“How are you holding up, R?”

“Terrified. I have no idea what we’ll find out.” 

Bossuet urged Grantaire up and they walked out of the waiting room. They walked slowly to the couches near the entrance. 

“You don’t have to keep coming alone, R. We’ll come with you. You don’t need to sit alone in waiting rooms.”

“I know. I just,” he sighed. “I didn’t think about calling anyone. I’m still processing all of this.”

Bossuet nodded. They sat out on the couches for about twenty five more minutes before Grantaire insisted they go back. He couldn’t stand the thought of Enjolras coming out of his tests and being alone. 

Bossuet quietly left after Enjolras came out, wishing him luck, then going to find Joly. 

The doctor sat them down and pulled out the scans. They both sat, stunned, as the doctor explained that the cyst had grown, there was a tumor, and there was extensive fluid build up. He then went on to explain the surgery. Grantaire sat, numbly, as he explained that it would take about five to seven hours and that they would have to test to see if the tumor is cancerous or not. He held Enjolras’ hand tightly. 

Enjolras tried to keep his breathing even. It wasn’t the worst he was expecting. The doctor did not say there was nothing they could do. So it was already better. He squeezed Grantaire’s hand. 

“What’s the risk of this surgery?” Enjolras asked, when the doctor had finished.

“It is major surgery. There are definite risks- especially given the location. The brain stem is a sensitive area. But I have done procedures like this many times. I have complete confidence that we should be able to remove the masses with very little trouble.”

“And what if I decide not to have surgery?”

The doctor did not answer right away. “I know the prospect of major brain surgery can be overwhelming. But if we don’t remove the masses, fluid will continue to build up, even with a shunt, the masses will continue to grow, and it will cause further impairments. Untreated, it will eventually be fatal.”

Grantaire flinched slightly at the bluntness. Enjolras nodded. He thought for a moment. 

“So, surgery is a must, but you’re confident it will go well?”

“Yes. We have a clear path to the masses. We’ll take care of you, Enjolras.”

“And what about after the surgery? Will he be back to normal?” Grantaire asked.

“Not exactly. It depends on how the surgery goes. You could wake up and find that the loss of limb use you are experiencing has recovered. However, it is also very possible that you’ll need some extensive physical therapy to regain motion. You may also have problems with speech and processing. To explain it in layman’s terms: your brain has all kinds of bridges to move information around. During the surgery, we’ll have to remove some of these bridges, so you’ll have to rebuild them.” 

Enjolras swallowed. “How.... how long will that take?”

"That depends. If you work hard, about a year. You won’t be one hundred percent, but you’ll be very close. Most people probably wouldn’t notice anything. Typically, though, we usually see patients at eighty to ninety percent by two years.”

Enjolras digested this information. “So, I won’t be able to work for awhile? And, communication will be....difficult?” he asked slowly. It was all very overwhelming and his brain was starting to feel sluggish. Grantaire squeezed his hand.

“Not at first. We’ll re-evaluate after six months. If sufficient progress is made, and there is no cancer, then you should be able to return to work, assuming your job does not require driving. You will not be driving again for at least a year.”

Enjolras nodded numbly. He kept up his normal appearance. He didn’t want to come apart. That was the last thing he wanted. 

“I am glad you guys called. Chances are your regular doctor would not be able to handle this.”

Both men nodded. They listened to the doctor as he explained what would happen leading up to surgery. They left about twenty minutes later, scheduled to return in exactly a week. In the car, Grantaire let out the breath he had been holding. 

“Are you okay, R?” Enjolras asked, rubbing his back.

“I should be asking you that. How I’m doing is irrelevant.”

“No it’s not. I know very well how awful felling helpless is. I also know how much I’m going to have to depend on you, whether I like it or not, after the surgery. I need you to be honest with me so we can come up with a reasonable plan.”

Grantaire nodded. “That’s exactly how I feel. Scared, helpless. Why couldn’t this happen to me?”

It was Enjolras’ turn to sigh. “I wouldn’t want you to.”

“I know you don’t, but it wouldn’t be as big of a deal if it was me. If I need time off from work, I stop freelancing, no big deal. If I have trouble talking, no big deal, I don’t make my living talking to people all day.”

Enjolras cupped his cheek. “Don’t worry about it, R. We can’t change it. Now we just have to deal with it.”

“You’re being calm about this.”

Enjolras shrugged. It was hard enough on Grantaire, he didn’t need to make it harder by coming apart again. “The doctor said I should be fine. What’s to get worried about?”

Grantaire did not answer. There was plenty to be worried about. But for right now he was going to drive them home, then he was going to hope that cooking dinner will put him at ease. He’d given up the drink when Enjolras first started his meds. If Enjolras could give up driving for three months and change his routines, so could Grantaire. Now he used household chores to replace the need to drink. He cleaned, cooked, re-arranged, and redid all of their decor. Enjolras left him too it, it was worth never knowing how the living room would look to not worry about Grantaire disappearing to some bar.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grantaire paced back and forth in the waiting room. He never woke up this early. Ever. They had to start preparing in at six in the morning. There was two hours of prep before the surgery. They had arrived at the hospital the night before. Both men tried to sleep, but ended up staying up and watching trashy TV and holding each other. Grantaire was glued to Enjolras’ side the next morning, not leaving until the very last second when the doctor said he couldn’t go any farther. He kissed Enjolras desperately, then watched him disappear behind the door. Now he was pacing the waiting room.

The next week seemed to both drag on and speed past. Grantaire could only describe Enjolras as a wilting flower. His speech became more slurred, he could hardly use his left arm, and his left foot dragged when he walked. Enjolras tried to act like it was no big deal, but Grantaire suspected otherwise. Combeferre had called Grantaire three days before the surgery telling him about his and Enjolras’ conversation. It took Grantaire a day to work up the nerve to talk to Enjolras.

“Enj, you know you can talk to me about all of this, right?” he asked, tentatively. 

Enjolras looked up. “I’m fine, R.” 

“Enjolras. Please. I’ll feel better if you tell me what’s going through your head.”

“Apparently a large amount of fluid.” he said, his words slurred. Grantaire smiled and walked over, pulling Enjolras into his arms.

“You might be our fearless leader. You might be insanely independent. But you’re still human. And I know I’m going out of my mind with worry, but that can’t even begin to compare with what you’re dealing with.”

Enjolras sighed and relaxed into him. “Talking about it makes it more real.”

“I know. But it might help too.” Grantaire kissed the top of his head, then rested his chin on Enjolras’ shoulder.

Enjolras was silent for a couple minutes. “I’m scared. A million things could go wrong. What if I don’t wake up? What if I’m not able to take care of myself? What if I’m not myself? I could wake up and be a shell of a person. I might not wake up at all.”

Grantaire didn’t respond right away. “That’s what scares me too. That you won’t wake up. Everything else makes me nervous, but we can work through that.”

“Will you be okay, if I don’t wake up?” Enjolras turned and looked at him.

Grantaire closed his eyes. “I don’t know, Enj. Probably not. You are my world.”

Enjolras turned to face him completely, taking his hands. “R, I need to know you’ll be fine. I need to know that it won’t ruin you. It’s hard enough to do this, but I need the peace of mind that you won’t give up.”

Grantaire kissed Enjolras’ hands. “I’ll try. And I know our friends will help. But all I can promise is that I’ll try.”

Enjolras nodded. “That’s all I would ask.”

Grantaire hugged him tightly.

 

Grantaire paced back and forth in the waiting room. He never woke up this early. Ever. They had to start preparing in at six in the morning. There was two hours of prep before the surgery. They had arrived at the hospital the night before. Both men tried to sleep, but ended up staying up and watching trashy TV and holding each other. Grantaire was glued to Enjolras’ side the next morning, not leaving until the very last second when the doctor said he couldn’t go any farther. He kissed Enjolras desperately, then watched him disappear behind the door. Now he was pacing the waiting room. 

Bossuet grabbed his arm. “Sit down? He’s only been back there an hour. We’ve got about six to go.” 

Grantaire sighed, sinking into a chair. “Six more hours. I can’t do this Bossuet. It’s only nine in the morning. I...” he rested his head in his hands. 

“Come on, let’s go get breakfast. Joly is on a break, he can get us some free food.” 

“What if they need me? I need to be here. What if there’s news?”

“R, it’s only been an hour. They won’t be out in the short time we’re getting food. And Joly has a pager, so if something happens, they’ll let him know.”

Grantaire nodded. It would at least be something to do. In the cafeteria he just got himself a cup of coffee at first. Bossuet coaxed a plate of bacon and pancakes at him. Joly pulled him into a hug. 

“He’ll be okay, R. You just have to be patient.” Joly found them a table. “I know that’s the hard part, but you just have to have patience. His doctor is one of the best in the world.”

Grantaire nodded, picking at his food. Part of him thought Enjolras was the lucky one, he got to sleep through this part. Somehow he managed to force himself to eat his food and finish another couple cups of coffee. 

“I need to get back.” Grantaire said. He needed to be as close to Enjolras as possible. Bossuet and Joly nodded. 

“I have to get back to work anyway.” Joly threw away his trash and kissed Bossuet before squeezing Grantaire’s shoulder and going back to work.

Bossuet led Grantaire back to the waiting room. “R, I have work soon. Jehan will be here in about an hour. Will you be okay? I can call in if you need me to. It’s no problem.”

“No, go to work. I’ll be fine for an hour. And I can call Courf. He’s staying at home today to be a go between in case someone needs a ride. He said he’ll come up any time if I need him.”

Grantaire put his headphones in after Bossuet left and tried to sleep. Despite the music, his head felt like it was full of static. Nothing formed in to a coherent thought, but there was still noise. 

It was the longest day of Grantaire’s life. Their friends came in and out as they could. By five in the evening, they were all there in the waiting room. Grantaire was exhausted having not slept in thirty nine hours. There were bags under his eyes and he was pale aside from the dark circles. Except for the update he got from a nurse at about one, he hadn’t heard anything and they were an hour late. Grantaire had taken to pacing again. 

At about six, the doctor came out. Grantaire tried not to accost him, but he needed to know.

“Enjolras is in recovery. Everything went very well. We got all of both masses removed and the fluid drained. It took a bit longer than we expected, but we wanted to be thorough. We should know whether the mass is cancerous or not by tomorrow. Enjolras will be in recovery for about an hour or so, then you can go see him. He may sleep for quite awhile, maybe even until morning. Also, don’t be surprised when he wakes up if he doesn’t talk right away.”

Grantaire nodded and thanked the doctor. He collapsed into a chair, exhausted. Their friends all breathed a sigh of relief. A couple of them had to leave for work shifts, but they hugged Grantaire on the way out and passed their well wishes on to Enjolras. The others sat, chatting softly. The mood had lightened in the room once they found out that Enjolras was alright. 

Grantaire lay on the bench, not bothering to pull it out into the bed. He watched Enjolras sleep at first. They had shaved a small strip where they had cut, but most of his hair was the same. He couldn’t see the staples and stitches in the dark. He was hoping Enjolras would wake up, but that seemed unlikely. Grantaire sat up, looking out the hospital window. The view was beautiful. He snapped a few pictures on his phone for future reference. 

The nurse came in for her rounds and urged Grantaire to pull the bench out into a bed. He nodded and quickly made up his bed, realizing it had been nearly forty eight hours since he last slept. Grantaire was asleep before the nurse finished her check up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery begins.

Grantaire woke up early, the sun barely above the horizon and peeking between buildings. He stretched and yawned before checking on Enjolras. Grantaire sighed when he saw that Enjolras was still asleep. He pressed a kiss to Enjolras’ cheek and wandered down to the cafeteria in search of coffee. He filled the largest cup he could find and returned to Enjolras’ room. Enjolras was still sleeping. The nurse was doing her round. 

“He should wake up soon.” she smiled as she left.

Grantaire scooted his chair up to Enjolras’ bed and held his hand. His coffee was gone and Joly had joined him (with more) when Enjolras started to stir. Grantaire squeezed his hand, smiling. 

“Good morning sunshine.” Grantaire said as Enjolras opened his eyes. He blinked, but didn’t say anything. Enjolras smacked his lips, but wasn’t able to form words yet. 

“That’s normal.” The doctor said, checking on Enjolras. “It’ll take awhile for his brain to wake up, so to speak. Today is all about recovery, he’ll start PT and OT tomorrow or the next day depending on how he’s doing.”

Grantaire thanked the doctor then sat next to Enjolras. Breakfast came soon after the doctor left. Enjolras saw it, but he couldn’t figure out what to do. He looked up at Grantaire, eyebrows knitted together. Grantaire kissed his hand, then fed him breakfast. 

“Don’t worry, Enj, it’ll come back to you. You just need to wake up fully.”

Enjolras wasn’t able to speak that day. He needed help with everything and it broke Grantaire’s heart. That night he volunteered to help Enjolras bath. 

“He’ll be more comfortable, I think, than with a stranger.”

The next morning, Enjolras woke up before Grantaire. He tried to work the remote, but couldn’t figure it out He groaned loudly. Grantaire started awake. 

“What’s wrong, Enj?” he asked, looking concerned. He had epic bed head that Enjolras would have commented on under normal circumstances. 

Enjolras thought really hard. “TV.” he managed to say. Grantaire took a minute to figure out what he wanted. He picked up the remote and started flipping channels.

“S-stop.” Enjolras said when Grantaire got to the cooking network.

“Cooking? That’s a new one.” 

Enjolras frowned, trying to come up with a response, but he just couldn’t make words out of his thoughts.

“It’s okay, Enj, rest your brain.” Grantaire kissed his cheek. “You’ll get there.”

He helped Enjolras with his breakfast and sat with him, watching various cooking shows. He talked to Enjolras throughout the morning, not looking for a response or conversation, just keeping Enjolras company. 

It took four days for Enjolras to be able to hold a conversation. He started therapy two days after surgery and speech was the first thing they worked on. It was still hard. He could make the thoughts, but he just couldn’t find words for them. 

Grantaire didn’t leave the hospital. Their friends brought him changes of clothes, food, and urged him to go home. He just shook his head and stayed. He did his illustration work, but posted on his website that personal obligations would prevent anything else. 

A week later, Enjolras was more comfortable with conversations, as long as his responses didn’t have to be long and as long as it wasn’t very complicated. He could feed himself and he could wash himself as long as someone was there to help him with balance. Enjolras (and Grantaire) was most happy about finally being able to pee on his own and by choice. 

He saw the doctor daily, talking about Enjolras’ progress and their goals. He answered questions and keep their spirits up.

“You should be going home next week, Enjolras. Your recovery is going very well and we won’t need to monitor you after next week if all goes well. You’ll still have to come in for physical and occupational therapy, but you can spend most of your time at home. I’m also going to have you start walking twice a day in addition to your PT. We can either have a nurse walk with your or Grantaire can if he wants. It’s up to you guys. You’re on the right track, Enjolras. We just have to be patient and keep working.” he smiled and shook their hands. 

“One more week, Enj, you can do it.” Grantaire kissed his forehead lightly. 

“Y-you,” Enjolras paused. “You s-should go home. Don’t care me all day.” he sighed in frustration, knowing his sentence was wrong.

Grantaire smiled. “I’d rather be with you, Enj.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, things were busy around the 4th. I should (hopefully) be more regular now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras finally goes home.

It ended up being two weeks before Enjolras was able to go home. He'd hit a small bump in his therapy and they needed a week to get back on track. Grantaire helped him with the forms and set up physical and occupational therapy at home. He pushed Enjolras' wheel chair out to their car and helped him into the passenger seat. 

The ride home was quiet. Enjolras stared out the window, almost blankly. 

"Enj, try not to stare like that, the doctor said that it might cause a seizure." He reached over with his free hand and gently took Enjolras' hand.

Once they got home, Enjolras collapsed onto the couch.

"Ishouldn'tbethistired." he mumbled. Grantaire sat beside him.

"I know, but you've had a long three weeks. You'll be tired for a few days."

 

 

\--->Six Months later<\----

 

 

Grantaire held Enjolras' hand as they walked into the Musain. They'd called the first meeting led by Enjolras in ages. Well, he'd lead the first part, then let Combeferre take over. They'd kept it quiet, but Combeferre had pretty much become the Amis' new leader. 

Everyone looked up when they walked into the back room. Cheers filled the room and everyone took their turn greeting Enjolras. Some shaking his hand, others clapping him on the back.

"O-okay, let's get started." he said, turning to face them. "I'll keep my part short. R and I went to the doctor today and they officially said that it was not cancerous- officially this time. Even though they'd been saying it since the surgery, it's now one hundred percent official. So I can stop worrying about the tumor coming back." he paused, "Now I can f-focus on healing. I have one more appointment tomorrow to see if I can go back to work." He glanced down at his notes, briefly. "Hopefully I can get back to.... back to...normal as soon as possible. I've taken enough down time."

The rest of the meeting passed as usual. Grantaire didn't pay much attention to what their current philanthropic project was. He was focused on Enjolras. That was his project. It had been six months since the surgery, but there was still a long way to go. Enjolras was still having seizures, though they were absence seizures so the risk of injury was less, as long as Enjolras was already seated. The doctor had been trying to adjust his medication, but that only went so far. They had been informed that some of the seizure activity was associated with the brain filling in the space that the tumor had occupied. Enjolras was also still having trouble with his balance. Grantaire had been taking on quite a bit of illustration, web design, and business flier work, in addition to his regular commissions, so he could keep Enjolras in OT and PT after their insurance stopped paying for it. It made a difference, but progress was still slower than Enjolras wanted.

"How are you doing?" Joly asked, once the meeting had broken up and conversations had shifted.

"I'm fine. No health issues."

"That's not what I asked, R. How are you holding up? You've had your hands full taking care of Enjolras and working extra."

Grantaire sighed. "I'm tired." he said softly. "I don't want to complain, but I'm just tired. I've been taking on all the extra work I can. PT and OT is expensive and insurance stopped paying for it over a month ago. Plus he can't work. And I have a sneaking suspicion his doctor is going to tell him he can't work for awhile. It's not been sitting well with Enj. He thought he'd have surgery then be back to normal." Grantaire sighed, finishing his water. "He's cranky. All the time. And I don't want to fight, but he's in a bad mood as often as not. I just don't know how to help him anymore. He needs to get out of the house, but he doesn't want to go anywhere anymore, and, well, I'm tired."  
  


Joly nodded. "It's not easy, R. Trust me. I deal with care takers every day, and they all get tired. It's normal. Remember you have us. I know you guys have been staying in and trying to work out your new normal. But we can help. Why don't you talk to Courf and Ferre about them taking Enjolras on a weekend trip? It'll give you a break you wont' feel guilty about. And if Enjolras can't work anymore, we'll help him find a hobby he can do. Or, since he and Courf own their firm maybe they can find him a job that his doctor will approve."

"How will he get there? He can't drive, and he won't anymore, and his balance isn't good enough to walk to the train station or bus stop alone, plus the seizure risk. And he won't stand for me driving him every day."

Joly thought for a moment. "You know, I'll have to ask around at work, but I think he'd be a good candidate for a service dog."

Grantaire nodded. "I've looked into it. But that's just not an expense we can add right now. I mean, the initial cost can be thousands, plus the care once we get a dog. I'd love to, but I can only do so many commissions. I'm already forgoing more sleep than I'll tell you about."

Joly patted Grantaire's hands. "R, stop worrying. Let us take care of that, okay? Give me a few days. I'll let you know what I find."

 

________________________

 

As expected, Enjolras' doctor did not approve him to go back to work. 

"And, unless things change, I probably won't approve you for at least another year. Realistically speaking, I don't think you can go back to your job. Anything is possible, and I don't want you to give up. But it's also my job as your doctor to be realistic. The recovery time for this kind of procedure is years, not months. Five, ten years down the line, things could be totally different. But for now, I'll need to approve any employment. I understand you want to get back to work, but I am going to strongly suggest you wait another six months before you start looking. Let yourself heal. Get back on your feet."

Enjolras left the appointment in a bad mood. He wanted to get back to normal, not this 'new normal' everyone kept talking about. He slammed the car door and stared out the window. 

"I know it's not what you wanted to hear, Enj. But things are different. We'll get back to the old normal one day, but for now let's try to make the best of it?"

"Easy for you to say. You're not the one dealing with this. Empty promises of 'one day' don't exactly carry any weight. Stop pretending like you know what this is like." Enjolras snapped. Grantaire flinched. 

"You know, this hasn't exactly been a picnic for me either."

"Please, tell me how hard this is for you. You can still drive, you can still work, you can still think." he wanted to continue, but he just couldn't find the words he wanted.

"You mean how I've had to work extra because I didn't want you to stop your therapy? I haven't slept more than four hours in I don't even know how long? No, I'm not going through what you are, I'm going through my own thing. And it's not easy. Do you think it's easy to watch you go through this? To be helpless? To be busting my ass because your insurance people are dick heads? It's not fun. It's not fun for either of us, so please stop taking it out on me."

Enjolras muttered something, but Grantaire let it go, biting his lip as he drove them home. 

 

It took Joly a couple months. He knocked on Enjolras and Grantaire's door excitedly. 

"Hi, Joly." Enjolras greeted. He was still in his pajamas. 

"Let me go," he paused, fumbling over his words. "I'm getting clothes. Make yourself at home."

Joly noticed that Grantaire was asleep on the couch. He had made it up with sheets and blankets- not an accident. 

"R?" he whispered, shaking the sleeping man.

"Huh? What do you need Enj?"

"It's me, Joly. I have good news for you guys. Why are you sleeping here?"

"We had a fight last night."

"Again? Alright, I'm calling Courf and Ferre later. You guys need a break. Not like that, stop it." He said, noting the hurt look on Grantaire's face.

Joly waited until Enjolras came back in to share his news. 

"So I've been asking around at work about service animals, and a nurse gave me information about an organization that helps get animals to people who need them at a low cost.  We've actually done work with them. Remember that fundraiser we did about three years ago? Well, anyway, I called them and they remembered us and said they'd help you out."

"Why do I need a service animal? I'm not disabled." 

"It would be a seizure dog. They're trained to sense an on coming seizure and warn you so you can get yourself in a safe position. Plus you can get a harness with a handle, which might help your balance. Then you can start working on getting back to work."

Enjolras thought. He didn't necessarily like the idea, but it made sense. If he could ensure his safety, he could get his doctor to sign off on work. He'd just have to talk to Marius and Courfeyrac about what he could do at the firm. 

"Alright, what do I need to do?"

 

Grantaire loved Sherry, the Golden Retriever that could sense an oncoming seizure. Enjolras was not sure about this idea. He wasn't quite ready to admit he needed her, but they became fast friends. Especially when he was out walking her and he was able to get himself seated before the seizure hit him. He was still disoriented when they got home, but Sherry navigated him there with ease. 

"I think I'm going to call Courfeyrac tomorrow." Enjolras said at dinner. 

"I think that's a good idea. It'll do you well to keep busy. Your OT said that it'll be the best way to get your speech and processing back up to snuff."

Enjolras nodded. "They suggested that we stop therapy. They said that I've pretty much made it as far as I can go. We should save the money. And you need to sleep more. I," Enjolras paused, thinking. "I'm sorry I didn't realize how this im... im... affected you." he paused. "But I am sorry. And thank you. I couldn't have done any of this al....with... alone."

Grantaire smiled and leaned over the table to kiss him.  "We both get frustrated. This has been a hell of a challenge for us both. But don't worry about it. We're making it. And it's getting better. Six months ago you couldn't hold a conversation. Now you're working on getting back to work, even if it's not what you were doing before."

Enjolras nodded. Truth was he was nervous about going back to work, but he had to do it. He couldn't sit around at home all day every day anymore. It wasn't going to help him get any better. And he was determined to get better. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based on my parents' battles with cancer. Though, I didn't have the heart to put Enj and R through everything.
> 
> Come say hi or drop me a prompt: i-am-agog-and-aghast.tumblr.com
> 
> Seizure dogs aren't proven really. That's why my dad doesn't have one, his doctor doesn't think it would make a difference. But for the story's sake, why not?


End file.
